Friday, September 11, 2009

Dear Mother-in-Law, BACK OFF!

Okay so my husband's mother and grandmother live about 40 minutes northeast of us and they see our son once a week. That's not so bad, is it? I figure most grandparents only see their grands about once a month or so ,some even longer, so they're lucky at weekly. Anyway...

During this particular visit last Sunday (which ended on a little bit of a lighter note), things went awry when I sat down to eat. My son was in his high chair right beside me and was hungry, too, so I was feeding him Lasagna in Meat Sauce (Gerber 3rd Foods), one of his favorites. Now this is no big deal to me, I'm completely used to eating at the same time he does; in fact, it keeps him from begging for my food! Everything was good DMIL walked over with a plate of smashed carrots and potatoes and started feeding him AT THE SAME TIME! "Excuse me! Are you serious right now?" was all I could think. My feelings were hurt AND I was pissed!

I mean, seriously, I am this kid's mother yet she just walked on over and started feeding him. And she said nothing. No "Would you like me to help?" or even "Here, let me do that so you can eat." Either would have been fine, but she said absolutely nothing; instead, she proceeded to just laugh and smile and play with him. REALLY??? *If I could insert smileys here, they'd have steam coming out of the ears!*

***PAUSE*** At this point I'm getting upset all over again so I'm going to take a minute...Okay, I'm better now.

I sat there steamed for just a moment...then I put his spoon down onto my plate and put the lid back onto his lasagna. Next I sat there with an angry look on my face for just a second more. And THEN I stood up...walked past her...threw his food away...walked past her again...dumped my food into the trash...walked past her again...poured out my glass of water...and, yes, walked past her one more push my chair in, grab my purse and walk into the living sit on the sofa and pout (damn near crying). It took everything in me to not yell, "What the hell are you doing? I KNOW you see me feeding my son!"The only reason I didn't say anything to her is because my husband doesn't even stand up to her so I didn't want to come off as the bitchy, hateful daughter-in-law/wife.

My husband, who was already in the living room watching tv, asked what was wrong. All I could do was look at him. He rolled his eyes and said quietly, "If you're gonna act like this then you should have stayed at home." WHAT?! I'M THE BAD PERSON?? YOU ALREADY KNOW I "HATE" COMING OVER HERE!! In order to keep my cool and tell him what happened at the same time, I sent him the following text message: "It hurt my feelings for me to be in the middle of feeding when your mom came and just started feeding him something else. It was like I didn't even exist." He proceeded to roll his eyes and say I was being silly. I hated him at that moment.

By the end of the night we were all laughing and talking again, but she never acknowledged what she did to me. I was still upset, but made the most of the visit. If I had said anything it would have come out all wrong. Because this happened, I won't be going back to visit.

Am I so wrong for the way I felt? I mean, I was both hurt and upset that someone would do such a thing. Not even my own mom would do some sh!t like that. It made me feel as if my parenting simply weren't enough, like she figures she knows what's best for MY son. What do you think? Did I handle it properly? I don't think I'm being unreasonable here.



Cat@3KidsandUs said...

Honestly, the only way to deal with MIL's is directly. Clearly your husband doesn't want to be in the position to talk to his mother (my husband is the same way) so you have to stand up and say something to her (calmly).

Look at your relationship with her like you do your own with your husband, there has to be some give and take but not at the expense of your feelings.

If this is her first grandchild, there's going go to be a learning curve for both of you in setting up boundaries in the relationship.

((hugs)) I know how stressing the in law relationship can be.

GiraffeGal213 said...

Honestly I don't think you handled it right. You WERE right to be upset. I would have been too! However, I think you should have stood up to her and said something. You don't have to be rude or disrespectful but he IS your son and you have a right to raise him as you see fit. it won't change if you don't draw the line with her.

Tami said...

I know how hard it is to deal with Mother-in-laws since I have had fun with two of them now. You have to be upfront with them and let them know how you feel. Yes you had every right to be angry. Your husband doesn't want to be caught in the middle of it. Men just don't do that. They would just like to let it go.

Casse AKA Catholic Kittie said...

Well, okay so maybe I have anger issues but hell no would I have let that go down without speaking my mind. How else will she learn what is not acceptable? I would have calmly said (since your son was sitting there other-wise it would not be calmly done) "If you really want to feed him you need to feed him this food right here, since he already started it. Otherwise fall back. And next time please ask me if I need help first." Then hand her the spoon and continue eating. That is how I would have handled it and the husband thing. I would have just slapped the shit out of him packed my son up and went home. After saying "You are so right, I shouldn't have come." He needs to grow up a bit. oops no scratch that not my place to say that. *grins*

PinkMama said...

Ohhhh I have one of those! My MIL cut my son's hair w/o my permission (1st haircut)and didn't even save any hair for me to put in his book. She was 4hrs late for my wedding (lives 3hrs away)and was mad we started w/o her. I've confronted, cried, pouted and fought with my hubby over her and I'm always the BAD ONE so I gave up. We are civil towards each other but talking on the phone isn't going to happen. Good Luck and remember you are the mom to your children and they will have to deal with this too!

prerna said...

Ooh.. And here I was thinking that MIL problems are only India-specific.. Thank you for enlightening me.. I think, like the rest, that talk it out with her.. let her know that she hurt you..its tough but i guess, its gotta be done.. **hugs**