Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Words left unsaid.

In case I haven't told you lately, I love you.

Never let a day go by without telling the ones you care about the most just how you feel. My granny knows how much I love her and recognizes what I did for her over the years.

My mom taught me that part of being humble is knowing that you don't have to mention the good things you do for others. What does it matter if others see or know about it? Its God who judges us, after all.

I still just don't understand just what has happened. She's really gone. Is she? I cry every night. When I say my prayers, its hard to hold my tears back. She's a part of my prayers every single night. I see her when I sleep so I try to stay awake. Often times I'll take something to help me sleep.

I like to think that I'm okay, but going to work even hurts so much. To see the kids with their grandmothers makes me think of my own and...

Just last week a couple of my favorite customers came into the store. Julie *I giggle because I thought she was a boy* asked why I wasn't there the week before because they came in just to see me and were told that I'd be out for the next week. Here's how it went:

Julie: Why weren't you here? We came in just to see you and they said you'd be gone for like a week. Why? What happened?
Austin: Yeah, they talk about you all the time. *They being Julie and their little sister.*
Me: My grandmother passed away.
Austin: (Julie's brother):Yeah. My grandpa died too not too long ago. It sucks.
Me: It hurts, huh?
Julie: Yeah
Austin: It hurts, but it'll be okay.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Austin: I cried a lot.
Julie: We're glad you're back though. We really like you.

Being the softie that I am, I gave them hugs. How could I not? They're so sweet. Doing what I do can be very rewarding sometimes. You never know what you're doing for the next person while simply doing your job. Moms cry, girls come in just to hang out with you. You literally hold a child's self-esteem in your hands. Its amazing, really. You just never know.

...seeing kids come in with their grandmothers makes me want to scream some days. Sometimes they're so ungrateful; always asking for more, never saying "thank you" throwing little hissy fits. I always liked hanging out with my Granny. Going to the H.L. Green store Downtown (a looon time ago!). Taking the bus wherever. Singing church songs. Her putting holes in my couch 'cause she was smoking in the living room *A BIG NO-NO!* Her spilling coffee on the cushions of said couch then trying to flip it over before I noticed. Sitting beside her in church sucking peppermints. Telling me how she used to comb her own Indian grandmother's long, straight hair. Telling me how she had to milk the cows growing up. "Pulling on their titties," as she put it. LOL

I didn't want to go back to work. I even started looking for another job, something that kept me away from the general public. Really, if I never had to work with another person, I'd be happy. Seriously.

She was always my favorite. I used to call her up just to say hi. Go to her house just to sit and hang. Have lunch with her, watch TV, just sit. She was so stubborn! She'd get mad when I had to leave. There were days that she'd call my cell and here's how it went:

Hey, I'll bet you're at work, ain't you?
Me: Yes, Granny. What's up?
Granny: Oh nothing. Just seeing what you were doing. You haven't called me in a long time.
Me: Granny, I just talked to you yesterday.
Granny: HAHA, yeah it was yesterday, wasn't it? Child, I forget. I just like when you come over and sit with me.
Me: I'll come over tomorrow. I gotta get back to work now, Granny. Love you.
Granny: Okay baby, love you too. Bye-bye.

Yeah. No more of that. I always knew it would be hard on me, but damn. This just ain't right. I don't care anymore. Why should I? She's not here to share anything with me. It made me feel better to believe that she kept living because she wanted to see me grow up, finish school and actually do something great. Now she won't even see me get married.

All of this happened way too fast and it just doesn't make sense. After her stroke, she began walking and living on her own again (so to speak). Everything was good. She still cooked and that was great. God, she was the best cook. Everything was always good. Especially her rice pudding. Everyone else liked her cornbread dressing the best, but for me it was rice pudding. She always promised to teach me how to make it, but never did. I only know how from watching her do it. She never measured anything, just knew exactly when was enough. Now that's how I cook. Well, when I do cook a REAL meal, anyway.

Because she had cancer, we knew it was coming, but it was still too soon. She knew I would do anything for her. My actions spoke louder than my words ever will.

My mom. Geez. She stopped everything and devoted almost all her time to Granny. Now she doesn't know what to do. How do you fill your time when pretty much all you did was care for one person day in and day out? I can see why she's so torn right now. She's about to do the same thing with my Pawpaw. She's a real caregiver, you know? The kind of person who doesn't expect anything in return. Never even wants any recognition. She's content just knowing what she's done. That's what she taught me. Doing things from your heart means not wanting or needing any recognition. You do good because you want to, not because other people see it. I know it hurts her, though. Other people are reaching out to her and looking to her for strength, but what can she do for anyone? Where were those same people when shit really went down? Over the years she put everything into my Granny and I saw it. She wasn't there only in the end; rather from the beginning...

When granny's health started fading, mom was there. When granny couldn't work anymore, mom was there. When people took my granny's last, my mom was there. Dammit, she was there. Where were you? Karen told me in the car one day, "Granny knows who was there and who wasn't. She knows everything. She knows who would drop everything and be there. She knows." Mom, you'll probably never read this, but Granny knows. She knows.

God, this isn't fair. I'm moving along day to day, but I don't know what's going on. I've always been the one to put everyone else ahead of myself. A "people-pleaser" is what the doctor labeled me. Learn to say no. Start doing what's best for you rather than everyone else.

Its time for me to just not care. and I don't. I simply don't. Nothing else matters much.

I don't know why I started typing initially. Hell, I don't even know if anything I've said makes sense. All I know is that I'm broken and don't know what to do. Day to day I just coast along, just being.

Except I'm not here.