Sunday, December 23, 2007

Invited to MY wedding and then you F*CKING STEAL FROM ME??

Yeah, someone decided to steal my phone out of my dressing room during the ceremony/reception. Seriously, how pathetic is that?!

Funny thing is, they can't use it. Yeah. Initially it was still powered on until I had my sister call it (thinking maybe it was just misplaced), after that the thief turned it off. Unbeknownst to this SACK OF SH!T, when you turn it back on, you have to have my passcode to unlock and use it.

Yeah. Everyone we invited were family and friends so close that they are family...FAMILY HAS F*CKED ME OVER! Thanks for bringing your thief of a girlfriend into our lives. Geez.

This sorry excuse for a human being actually STOLE FROM ME ON MY WEDDING DAY!

I pretty much hope something awful happens to both her and their children. May she be plagued for the remainder of her life.

People never cease to amaze me.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Now I’m FREAKING OUT!! (Breast Cancer 3-Day)

Now I'm FREAKING OUT!! When I started this whole thing, everything was fine. Everyone cheered me on and wished me luck, but now I'm nowhere near reaching my fundraising goal. Seriously?!

I've done everything I possibly can, starting with the initial email to friends and family. What did I get in return? People upset that I emailed and asked for support from people "I haven't seen or spoken to in weeks." Wow. That's if I even got a response. That happened back in January or February. From there I told everyone in person and, of course, people said that they would help out. Has it happened? No. And I can't even be mad. If people can't help, they can't help. I get that. Really, I do. I can be upset at myself, though, for getting into this.

As for getting out and amongst people, I've called (and gone into) stores/businesses to get permission to set up or asking for a donation of goods to help with the fundraising and, again, got no. Borders (bookstore) was really glad to help out until one day decided that I couldn't solicit customers, not even set up a table outside on the sidewalk with a donation jar and fundraising goodies. Wow.

My company won't help out at all. Not on the corporate OR personal level.

Then in the middle of it all my grandmother got really sick and died. It seriously couldn't have happened at a worse time. I'm still confused over her and it just makes me feel worse about everything. I mean, I'm upset because the money I could have received from family went to pay for her funeral, but I feel guilty thinking about that.

Because of work, I was only able to make two of the team fundraisers. TWO! Most things were done on weekends and working in retail means I can't really do much. Even if they did something from 10-6, I was either working a 9-6 or 12-closing. That means I can't do anything if the fundraising spots they chose are way outside of Dallas.

How does this happen? I really wanted to do this and I thought it would be great. Now all I can do is cross my fingers and hope that next Saturday's fundraiser at wal-mart and wine party does well. I'm sure they won't be the $2,000 (yeah, that much!) that I still need, but I can hope, right?

I should have listened to Wes. From the beginning he said it was a bad idea, he just knew it wouldn't turn out well. So I, of course, had to prove him wrong and jump in head first. It started off terribly and it looks like its going to end that way. Why did I do this? Seriously? Why would I make this kind of commitment? At least when I was doing Race for the Cure it didn't matter how much money you raised. Komen was grateful for whatever they could get. Now I've gone and put myself into debt to the tune of $2,000. Yep, I knew going in that if I didn't raise the money, it would come out of my pocket. Now I'm not sure what that means for my relationship. At this point, I've spent more than has been brought in just because I believed in what I was doing. Guess that's what I get.

I'm losing sleep at night, can't focus at work, and I've taken on poor eating habits. Like right now, at 4am, I'm thinking I should have some butterfinger ice cream because it may make me feel better. If I'm failing at this, what does that mean for my restaurant? Yeah, I'm pretty much feeling like a failure right now. And I never feel like this.

Seriously, I didn't think it would be this hard. Why did I get myself into this? The walk is two weeks from Friday and if I don't have the funds, then I don't walk. After all the training, preparation, and hard work. Swollen hands and feet after walking 10-18 miles during a training walk. All of that only to be told that I can't participate. Why did I do this? I'm having a hard time even believing in the cause myself now.

Like I said before, I can't be mad at anyone but myself. I know my situation and understand other people's situations.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

15 Miles @ 5AM - Breast Cancer 3-Day

Yep, I woke up at 4:15 to meet the other Angels this morning for our training walk in Richardson. I finished a whole 15 miles today!

My body feels awesome right now. No swollen feet or aching muscles. My fingers look like sausages, but I feel good nonetheless.

60 miles, here I come!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Words left unsaid.

In case I haven't told you lately, I love you.

Never let a day go by without telling the ones you care about the most just how you feel. My granny knows how much I love her and recognizes what I did for her over the years.

My mom taught me that part of being humble is knowing that you don't have to mention the good things you do for others. What does it matter if others see or know about it? Its God who judges us, after all.

I still just don't understand just what has happened. She's really gone. Is she? I cry every night. When I say my prayers, its hard to hold my tears back. She's a part of my prayers every single night. I see her when I sleep so I try to stay awake. Often times I'll take something to help me sleep.

I like to think that I'm okay, but going to work even hurts so much. To see the kids with their grandmothers makes me think of my own and...

Just last week a couple of my favorite customers came into the store. Julie *I giggle because I thought she was a boy* asked why I wasn't there the week before because they came in just to see me and were told that I'd be out for the next week. Here's how it went:

Julie: Why weren't you here? We came in just to see you and they said you'd be gone for like a week. Why? What happened?
Austin: Yeah, they talk about you all the time. *They being Julie and their little sister.*
Me: My grandmother passed away.
Austin: (Julie's brother):Yeah. My grandpa died too not too long ago. It sucks.
Me: It hurts, huh?
Julie: Yeah
Austin: It hurts, but it'll be okay.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Austin: I cried a lot.
Julie: We're glad you're back though. We really like you.

Being the softie that I am, I gave them hugs. How could I not? They're so sweet. Doing what I do can be very rewarding sometimes. You never know what you're doing for the next person while simply doing your job. Moms cry, girls come in just to hang out with you. You literally hold a child's self-esteem in your hands. Its amazing, really. You just never know.

...seeing kids come in with their grandmothers makes me want to scream some days. Sometimes they're so ungrateful; always asking for more, never saying "thank you" throwing little hissy fits. I always liked hanging out with my Granny. Going to the H.L. Green store Downtown (a looon time ago!). Taking the bus wherever. Singing church songs. Her putting holes in my couch 'cause she was smoking in the living room *A BIG NO-NO!* Her spilling coffee on the cushions of said couch then trying to flip it over before I noticed. Sitting beside her in church sucking peppermints. Telling me how she used to comb her own Indian grandmother's long, straight hair. Telling me how she had to milk the cows growing up. "Pulling on their titties," as she put it. LOL

I didn't want to go back to work. I even started looking for another job, something that kept me away from the general public. Really, if I never had to work with another person, I'd be happy. Seriously.

She was always my favorite. I used to call her up just to say hi. Go to her house just to sit and hang. Have lunch with her, watch TV, just sit. She was so stubborn! She'd get mad when I had to leave. There were days that she'd call my cell and here's how it went:

Hey, I'll bet you're at work, ain't you?
Me: Yes, Granny. What's up?
Granny: Oh nothing. Just seeing what you were doing. You haven't called me in a long time.
Me: Granny, I just talked to you yesterday.
Granny: HAHA, yeah it was yesterday, wasn't it? Child, I forget. I just like when you come over and sit with me.
Me: I'll come over tomorrow. I gotta get back to work now, Granny. Love you.
Granny: Okay baby, love you too. Bye-bye.

Yeah. No more of that. I always knew it would be hard on me, but damn. This just ain't right. I don't care anymore. Why should I? She's not here to share anything with me. It made me feel better to believe that she kept living because she wanted to see me grow up, finish school and actually do something great. Now she won't even see me get married.

All of this happened way too fast and it just doesn't make sense. After her stroke, she began walking and living on her own again (so to speak). Everything was good. She still cooked and that was great. God, she was the best cook. Everything was always good. Especially her rice pudding. Everyone else liked her cornbread dressing the best, but for me it was rice pudding. She always promised to teach me how to make it, but never did. I only know how from watching her do it. She never measured anything, just knew exactly when was enough. Now that's how I cook. Well, when I do cook a REAL meal, anyway.

Because she had cancer, we knew it was coming, but it was still too soon. She knew I would do anything for her. My actions spoke louder than my words ever will.

My mom. Geez. She stopped everything and devoted almost all her time to Granny. Now she doesn't know what to do. How do you fill your time when pretty much all you did was care for one person day in and day out? I can see why she's so torn right now. She's about to do the same thing with my Pawpaw. She's a real caregiver, you know? The kind of person who doesn't expect anything in return. Never even wants any recognition. She's content just knowing what she's done. That's what she taught me. Doing things from your heart means not wanting or needing any recognition. You do good because you want to, not because other people see it. I know it hurts her, though. Other people are reaching out to her and looking to her for strength, but what can she do for anyone? Where were those same people when shit really went down? Over the years she put everything into my Granny and I saw it. She wasn't there only in the end; rather from the beginning...

When granny's health started fading, mom was there. When granny couldn't work anymore, mom was there. When people took my granny's last, my mom was there. Dammit, she was there. Where were you? Karen told me in the car one day, "Granny knows who was there and who wasn't. She knows everything. She knows who would drop everything and be there. She knows." Mom, you'll probably never read this, but Granny knows. She knows.

God, this isn't fair. I'm moving along day to day, but I don't know what's going on. I've always been the one to put everyone else ahead of myself. A "people-pleaser" is what the doctor labeled me. Learn to say no. Start doing what's best for you rather than everyone else.

Its time for me to just not care. and I don't. I simply don't. Nothing else matters much.

I don't know why I started typing initially. Hell, I don't even know if anything I've said makes sense. All I know is that I'm broken and don't know what to do. Day to day I just coast along, just being.

Except I'm not here.